$13 For A 3-Way?!

Things aren't always what they seem...

I’ll keep this post pretty short since its a doozy.

It all started after god knows how many beers and I ended up at the cozy little dive bar right by my apartment. Its probably midnight or later. The people that come to this bar are odd or down-to-earth at best and it regularly stays open till after the 3am mandatory last call.

That is the reason this is my go-to to stop on the way home to get another drink.

I mean come on, I gotta decompress from the other +10 drinks.

It also means that I didn’t find a girl to take home. AKA this is my last resort.

I waltz in, grab a Sierra Nevada Torpedo off the tap, arguably the best, most common beer and ask the bartenders what crazy shit they saw that night. Apparently some dude threw up mid beer all over himself. His girlfriend berated him and did nothing to clean it up so they threw them out.

Pro Tip: You can throw up at almost any bar, anywhere, and get away with it if you start cleaning ASAP. Being polite and admitting you’re a jackass is a superpower. You should probably go home, but everyone knows that one tequila shot can awake the demons.

For example, I got one of my employees so drunk on his 21st, he threw up on and under the bar. Unfortunately, right in front of the bartender! I explained its his 21st, he’s an idiot, and that he will clean it up. I threw her an extra $40 and boom no problem.

Back to the story, I’m drinking beer and talking to anyone within two arms reach at the bar. Looking back at it, I was the perfect target. These two women honed in like lions on a drunk gazelle. A really drunk gazelle.

They immediately inform me they are strippers from out of town trying to have their first three-way. Mind you they are mid-west 5s at best.

This should have been my immediate sign something was wrong.

Brothers, life isn’t a Toby Keith song, Bobby Joe and Betty Lou aren’t going to come up to ya saying you’re the only cowboy in this bar and they are looking for a rodeo…

It’s just not how it happens, but I’m drunk enough, horny enough, and in love with myself juuuuuuust enough to think this is a totally reasonable thing to happen to me.

I mean come on, I’m the damn mayor and Jesus’s favorite! All the girls should want to have three-ways with me!

Well, they want to hit up the casino and I hate gambling. I have enough vices, don’t need to be a gambler too. I tell them to go on without me and to call me when they want to be picked up.

Not even five minutes after they leave, my drug dealer and this once-cute bar manager I use to smash walk in.

I proceed to buy a G of Hannah Montana and he gave me a steal on his last two dab pens. He didn’t want to have anything on him when he went to his girlfriends later. I don’t care if that was a lie, he hooked me up.

I excused myself to test out the products in the classiest of fashions, the bathroom.

I reemerged with a new sense of vigor. I told the once-cute, now-kinda fat bar manager that we were going to my place.

Thankfully, its one block over. (Logistics are key gentlemen)

She blows me in the elevator on the way up and I realize I have the other two strippers that will be ready to bang any moment. Also that she really has gotten fat and I’d rather fall asleep with my dick in my hand than inside her.

So I let bar manager cook us some shrimp and rice and hit my bong a couple of times.

Then I get the call from the strippers and do the respectable thing… be honest with both parties.

LMAO, yeah right, I tell the once-cute girl that one of my friends is drunk and ran out of gas and I need to get to him before the cops do. (Feel free to steal that one.)

I drive the two-blocks over to the casino (horrible idea) and swoop the strippers.

I proudly show them the bag and to my surprise they don’t want any! In what world do strippers not love blow???

We get back to my place, immediately go to the bedroom, and they are quite alarmed by the Glock 23 I have next to my bed. (Another red flag)

We get down to business and they insist on protection even for oral, I protest, then realize they probably do this all the time so great idea!

I’ve had two other three-ways with prettier girls, but honestly they were a huge disappointment/awkward since the girls weren’t into each other.

These strippers were into each other, very skilled, and very animated. It was awesome. I’ll spare you the details, but lets say they kept fully occupied the entire time.

At the end, I pull my typical show stopper of a move… and proceed to pass out.

It could have be 5 minutes or a hour, but I awake to my front door slamming and one of the strippers asleep next to me. I wake her up, she looks at her phone, said her friend had to puke and she was going to help her.

I encourage her to, thinking they will just leave and I won’t have to look at them sober.

I called to check on them and it went straight to voicemail.

Yup, something was off.

I search my apartment and find only my wallet is missing. All the drugs, my guns, and everything else more valuable was still there.

Luckily, when I bought all the drugs, that left me with $13 in my wallet.

HA!

Forget the $13, I was mad I’d have to go to the DMV to get a new license and cancel all my cards.

Two hours later, I get a message from one of my high school buddies, little brother, saying he found my wallet with EVERYTHING (but the $13) in a motel parking lot on the other side of town.

I had so many questions as to why he was at a motel at 6am on Friday morning, but frankly I didn’t want to know or really care.

And that is the story of how I inadvertently paid $13 for a three-way.